It all tastes the same

Perhaps, you've had the COVID-19 symptom where you lose the sense of taste. Or perhaps, you are like me and get something a little different on your sandwich at Subway or season your chicken a little differently each time, but it still tastes the same. I've begun to feel like my blogs are starting to blend together. The takeaways are predictable. In other words, they don't have the sense of freshness and elation the way new a good new ice cream flavor hits your tastebuds. I can sense the familiarity writing it, but food, which I consider my blog to be, is still important. I still think it tastes good, but nothing revolutionary lately.

WELL TODAY THAT CHANGES... I hope. If it still feels predictable, I guess you just know me well or have heard all the experiences and insights I have to offer. If you fall in this category, maybe you should write your own blog. I would love to be offered new wisdom. In any case, I can't do something new following the same structure as before. Here are not experience, sights, or sounds, but actions and only actions. I'm also not going to preview it. Just jump right in.

I've been speed walking on ice: I thoroughly believe my average walking speed is in the top 1% of people on campus. I'm a freaking blur. I walk with headstrong determination, the feeling of being late, and long strides. Typically, I'm early and can make up for a late leaving time because of my brisk pace.

The cold weather and precipitation are worthy adversaries to my pace. My typical heel-toe style with pushing off the toes does not play well with icy sidewalks. Instead I have to adjust to a heal-balls of the feet style in which I push off with the entire foot. This increase my weight distribution across more surface area making it harder to slip.

Most of the sidewalks have been salted appropriately so my technique isn't necessary. Yet, lately I've been finding the ice to walk on intentionally. I've been walking on ice to improve my empathy. My feet (figuratively and literally) are almost always planted on firm ground. I have stability from friends, family, faith, and other areas of my life. Walking on ice give me the feeling of uncertainty that so many people are grappling with from their jobs during COVID to their home situations or what of ice. Obviously, it's not the same. But, I imagine there's a similar feeling that you might just fall no matter how hard you try not to. The situations and your surroundings can get the best of you. So, I walk on ice for empathy.

I've been Jaywalking: I believe in Jaywalking. I believe it is often a helpful tool, especially at Purdue. At Purdue, almost every stoplight has what is called a diagonal cross. This means the walk-signs get their own turn at stoplights so people can walk in all directions. This is helpful for a lot of intersections on a pedestrian campus. However, there are some intersections where I believe you are doing a disservice to the cars if you don't Jaywalk. It isn't that hard to look both ways and cross a small intersection. Instead, you are delaying cars by 30 seconds, which means they could miss another light and another light. PLUS, you are getting somewhere faster. That's what I call a double dip/ win-win.

I've been making up new words: I reached this dilemma recently. The dilemma is how unoriginal compliments seem. The dilemma is how unoriginal a lot of adjectives and descriptions seem. The dilemma is I don't want to describe the humility of my best friend and girlfriend as selfless because they are completely different, but that's the word that comes to mind for both. So, I began to make up new words starting in a poem I wrote to Shaelen to describe different emotions I feel because of her or the different way I want to describe her.

Here's an example: Ghostility: the feeling of you gone, the absence of your presence or the presence of your absence. In a sentence: The feeling of ghostility hits me hardest when I’m driving and my hand feels homeless not holding yours and my ears are begging for the sound of your voice to bounce of the 4 doors of my 2003 gray Toyota Camry.

I think ghostility is a really relatable feeling. It applies to a loved one passing away, it applies to missing someone, it applies to feeling abandoned perhaps by God or another, it applies to feeling like you should have someone in your life, perhaps a sibling or parent or significant other or friend.

I've been bulking: I've joked about bulking plenty of times, but for once I'm serious. I've been trying to figure out the best version of myself. The best version definitely includes exercise because it helps clear my mind. However, every time I tried to get a workout routine in college the excuses have surpassed whatever shallow reasons I pursue it. So this time, I set a long-term tangible goal to gain 10 pounds of muscle this semester. I'm excited by it because it's the first time I've walked into the gym with a goal other than to workout that day or get in a habit of working out. It has also transformed my eating to be healthier and my cooking to be more intentional. Whole milk and peanut butter is the name of the game.

I've been listening to the Bible in a year podcast: My knowledge of the Bible as an overview is pretty good from theology class in high school. Yet, my actual reading of it word for word haven't been as great. This podcast has been really great for me to familiarize myself on a deeper level with God's word. I listen while I workout. I enjoy the typography (connecting the Old Testament to what it prefigures) and I enjoy taking in the beauty of the language itself.

I've been DISTRACTED while praying: Typically, a recited prayer or proper posture has focused my prayer. But lately, my thoughts can recite the words of a prayer and think about 3 other things. I began to speak aloud and pray in the car. Still, my thoughts would wander as my spoken word stayed course. It's been a big struggle to be honest, but it will be the focus of my Lent which I am HYPE to make sacrifices to make room for the Lord in my life. I need Him big time.

I've been applying for jobs: There is absolutely nothing fun about the current state of applying for jobs. Each website is different, each employer is different. Their communications teams are often bad at keeping in touch or letting applicants know the state of the job applications. I've gone through interviews that have 7 rounds and some that have 2, but I still don't have a job for the summer. That's okay though because resilience and grit are good qualities to have, learn, and practice. I will continue to apply, to search, and to interview. Maybe though, I should stop praying for other candidates to show them best selves too (I mean the person who gets the job should be the best candidate so I pray for that). I guess a good lesson in humility from God because I haven't been the best candidate yet.

I've been building a new website: Building a new website is not amongst my greatest talents. I enjoy the process of creating accessible, engaging, and aesthetic online places. Yet, I have a greater ability to critique than create. I think that's important. What are we more ready to critique than to learn, help, or empathize with? Is it yourself? Politicians? Your neighbor? The poor?

Oh, the website you asked? It's a side-hustle. Well, my dream side-hustle. Hopefully, I will begin to launch a college essay writing and editing business. I'll be cheap and impactful. My ideas will be creative and my help will focus around individualized efforts. IF you have any contacts that my want my help or help me understand more what an admissions person wants, I would gratefully accept that connection. I promise my error splattered blogs are not telling of my capability to write.

I've been feeling like I'm coming up short: Probably a harsh critic move that I just talked about, but feelings are true. My successes feel too natural. My prayer feels absent hearted. My goals feel a little too selfishly motivated. My blogs feel repetitive. My free time feels unproductive. My rest feels restless. It's not a feeling of sadness. It's just a feeling of recognition that I can do better, I know how to do better, and I'm still not. I'm incredibly blessed and have been rewarded whenever I utilize my blessings. Yet, I feel like I'm just scratching the surface of what I'm called to be. If you know me, perhaps you're thinking that can't be! How awesome you are already! In that case, I hope you stick around a little longer until I figure it out. Because once I am able to truly let Christ shape my heart and life, He will make me great and He won't do anything less.

I've put a lot of pressure on myself to make this blog great and different, but ultimately it always results in the takeaway. And, I wrote every word in this blog so far without a takeaway in mind. That's atypical of my writing method with these blogs. Usually, I start at the back of the maze, then go to the start and connect somewhere in the middle.

Today, I realize that's where my dissatisfaction is coming from. There's a clear thread amongst the things I'm doing where I really feel joyous or fruitful and things I feel like I'm coming up short. I'm too worried about the takeaway, the result, the call to action.

Miley Cyrus says: "it's the climb" Kobe told his daughters that getting up early and working out to pursue your goals is the actual dream. A cliche would say don't forget to stop and smell the roses. I'll give you an alliteration/rhyme. Productivity and Purpose come from loving the pursuit, not loving its fruit. If you wanna know how I came to the conclusion below are my synthesized thoughts. If not the meaning of the blog ends here, but I am gonna continue to write for my own reflection and enjoyment.

From the top:

I've been blogging and worrying about the result, that perfect meal, the powerful words you'll all get. I have forgotten to enjoy the writing like I did at the beginning. I used to write down the weird happenings then pick a conclusion. I'm going to get back to that.

As silly as this sounds, I've been worried about how fast I can get to class by foot. The quickest routes, the best times to Jaywalk. I literally will check the clock to see the pace I'm walking at, it's ridiculous! My favorite walks lately have been slower with a music or podcast in my ears.

I've been making up new words has actually been a good in-between. I've loved the process of searching through root words and writing definitions to depict the feelings I'm feeling without it sounding like gibberish.

My bulking is results oriented indeed. This one is on the fence. It has some impure motivations and some pure ones. It needs more prayer, less feeling like I have to and more feeling like I get to pursue this goal.

The podcast is a good example of not looking for the rush. I'm wanting to learn and grow in my faith and not feel the pride of doing it by myself or to check off my list. Those efforts die out fast. I know because I've tried.

My distractions while praying are because I'm viewing prayer as a means to an end. It's necessary. it's habit. But I'm not enjoying actually praying.

There is something beautiful about having to apply to a bunch of jobs. No, I won't enjoy the online portion in this lifetime. However, it is kinda cool how many random people I get to share a touch of my life with. Hopefully, I am sharing a touch of Christ.

I want the result of the website so badly. However, I should enjoy the concept of building my dream side-hustle. What could be more beautiful than that. AND once I get in it, I already know I love that process of editing/hashing things out/ learning about different writing styles.

This inconsistency is why I feel like I've been coming up short. Because I haven't been giving great love to the day ins and day outs. Hopefully this mindset change will be a great one. Thank you for reading this far. God bless.